Plus: A Crown of Thorns, with no hope of resurrection for the Big Ten in Las Vegas
The Crown: Updates
Don’t lie to me, these are what you’re here for.
The Games That Were (April 1-2)
Oklahoma Sooners 90, Colorado Buffaloes 86 (OT)
Baylor Bears 67, Minnesota Golden Gophers 48
At halftime I sent the “He can’t keep getting away with it!” gif to a gamethread — Minnesota was, inexplicably, down just five to Baylor, despite the fact that Baylor was more athletic, appeared capable of moving the ball and generating shots, and could actually rebound on both ends of the court. Nonetheless, Cade Tyson had 13 of the Gophers’ 26 points, and Minnesota wasn’t out of it.
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…and then came the 17-1 run to open the second half. Baylor pushed the tempo, Minnesota was content to just jack up threes as a preservation mechanism…and the Gophers just didn’t hit any of them.
Thus goeth the 2025-26 Minnesota Golden Gophers. They were bad. Let us never speak of them again.
West Virginia Mountaineers 82, Stanford Cardinal 77 (OT)
Up 3 late, Stanford waited too long, and Mountaineers scoring dynamo Honor Huff weaseled his way into being fouled while “shooting” a three. He made all three free throws to force overtime kept West Virginia on his back in the extra frame.
For smart kids, they’re real dumb sometimes. I guess that’s what I expect from the Hoover Institute, though…
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Creighton Bluejays 82, Rutgers Scarlet Knights 69
God. Is. Rutgers. Terrible.
To review, Rutgers’s six Big Ten wins came against Oregon (home), Northwestern (home), Maryland (home), Penn State (road), Maryland (road), Penn State (home), Minnesota (Big Ten Tournament). They literally only beat the teams below them in the Big Ten standings during the regular season.
Rest in piss to the 2025-26 Rutgers Scarlet Knights. You sucked more than usual.
The Games That Are Yet To Come (April 4)
Oklahoma Sooners vs. Baylor Bears
12:30pm | FOX | OU -1.5 | O/U 158.5
West Virginia Moutaineers vs. Creighton Bluejays
3pm | FOX | WVU -1.5 | O/U 134.5
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NCAA Tournament: The Final Four!
Saturday, April 4
We turn our collective attention to Lucas Oil Stadium, where the four remaining pugilists have descended to do battle as their wealthiest donors gorge themselves on St. Elmo’s and their smartest donors gorge themselves anywhere else.
[3] Illinois Fighting Illini vs. [2] UConn Huskies
5:09pm | TBS | Illinois -1.5 | O/U 139.5
How Illinois Got Here: By letting Iowa do the dirty work for them (beating Florida and Nebraska).
Is that harsh to the Illini? Of course. But as a hatin-ass Northwestern fan, what else do I have, besides my dignit—
How UConn Got Here: By allowing Duke to shoot themselves in the absolute fucking dick.
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Decidedly the undercard of the two games, the winner of this one should be about a touchdown dog to the winner of Arizona-Michigan. But that’s not to say it won’t be fun — the Illini offer the most efficient offense in college basketball, as well as an uncomfortable amount of track suits, chest hair, and Soviet-era architecture; the Huskies, to their credit, offer none of that but a wannabe Stalin as their coach.
brb, trying to frame hurley for katyn forest
[1] Michigan Wolverines vs. [1] Arizona Wildcats
7:49pm | TBS | Michigan -1.5 | O/U 157.5
Kenpom #1 vs. Kenpom #2. Offense #5 vs. Defense #2. Defense #1 vs. Offense #2.
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And they do it all at speed.
This is, to many, the de facto national championship game, with good reason. Arizona has been terrifying in the NCAA Tournament, most recently vaporizing Arkansas and dispatching Purdue. Michigan has been terrifying all season, boasting a 40-point win over Gonzaga, season sweep of Michigan State, and the only blemishes being losses to wisconsin (gross), Duke on a neutral court, and Purdue in the Big Ten Tournament.
Both sides have height and shooting—I’ll be curious to see if Michigan’s guards can hold up against Arizona. I’d lean the Wildcats by the slightest of margins, but who the fuck knows. Should be a good time.
Here’s your thread for the day. Behave thineselves.
