Which of the remaining NCAA Tournament teams should you root for?

A helpful guide to the Big Ten and beyond in the Sweet Sixteen.

Discussions elsewhere have reminded me that there is still, in fact, other college basketball going on — I had personally set a reminder for The College Basketball Crown on Wednesday, April 1, and gone into hibernation.

Alas.

Given those results, we’ve got a Sweet Sixteen scheduled for Thursday that looks something like this:

Here’s how I break down the rootability of these remaining teams, by conference:

ACC (1 team)

[1] Duke Blue Devils

No.

SEC (4 teams)

[11] Texas Longhorns

No.

“But they’re an underdo—”

No.

Never Texas. Not even once.

Glad we cleared that up.

[6] Tennessee Volunteers

A Rick Barnes-coached team. Y’all have a good time with that one.

[4] Arkansas Razorbacks

Well, I mean, Eric Musselman seems like a fun stor—

/touches ear

Ah. Well. I see. And USC…they weren’t good this year?

No?

Well. Let’s take a look at who Arkansas replaced him wi—

Oh.

Moving on.

[4] Alabama Crimson Tide

Nate Oats seems fine, probably. The rest of Alabama annoys me.

“Don’t root for the SEC” remains best practices.

The Big East (2 teams)

[5] St. John’s Red Storm

okay now HEAR ME OUT

There is no ethical consumption in college basketball.

None.

Your team is Bad and does it The Wrong Way. If they haven’t yet, they will, and I apologize for a lifetime of Northwestern fandom that had convinced me otherwise.

And so…why not Pitino?

Give the old vampire one last run to the top. Let’s have a swashbuckling five-seed come in and take down a few big boys. It’s New York, it’s gritty, it’s a media sensation…let’s get weird.

[2] UConn Huskies

Danny Hurley is an asshole. Moving on.

Big XII (3 teams)

[1] Arizona Wildcats

Nah. Perennial power, basically UConn with a slightly less-shitty coach. Pass.

[2] Iowa State Cyclones

Now THIS one’s interesting.

Look, Iowa State fans—dating back to Wide Right Natty Lite and, I’m sure, beyond—are…well, they’re something to behold. Imagine “What if Purdue, but even less, somehow?”

Less of what? I’ll let you tell me.

Their coach, TJ Otzelberger, is a smedium shirt-wearing bro who’s put in his time as an ISU assistant, then continued South Dakota State’s success before jumping ship to UNLV and then Ames. So far his ceiling over four years has been Sweet Sixteen—most recently two years ago, ended by 10-seed Illinois—and in both of the last two years, the Cyclones have squandered a 3-seed.

I think to the average bear, the Cyclones are a compelling and rootable team here. The issue is that doing so runs you the risk of having to talk to Iowa fans who will burst down the door screaming about how they’re so much more likeable. Iowa State’s not my overall #1 most likeable or rootable remaining team, but their ability to send Iowa fans into a mouth-foaming rage keeps them high on the board.

[2] Houston Cougars

This is the correct answer. Kelvin Sampson and the Coogs should’ve won their national championship last year, only to blow it in excurciating fashion to Florida. Sampson himself is a good story who’s built his program his way at UH.

Of course, to win, Houston will basically have to beat the whole of the…

Big Ten (6 teams)

First, a note on this: I do not want a Big Ten team to win the NCAA Tournament, unless that team is Northwestern. I wish ill on all your programs.

Moving on.

[9] Iowa Hawkeyes

It’s hard to argue Ben McCollum and Bennett Stirtz don’t make for a compelling story — the Northwest Missoudrakiowa Bearkathawkdogs have played their disciplined basketball and thoroughly repudiated the reign of Franmosus, who will sit trial just as soon as he can be exhumed.

Then again, you meet Iowa fans and remember “Oh Christ, no, you shouldn’t ever have anything nice.”

[4] Nebraska Cornhuskers

Still behind Northwestern in career W/L percentage in the NCAA Tournament, huh?

Nebraska is a nice story, but I fear the success is coming a little too quickly. The problem is—who, outside of a meteor, do you root for in the Iowa-Nebraska matchup in the Sweet Sixteen?

Deservedly high up there for the novelty of a Nebraska tourney run, but if I’m honest, I can’t stand all the Nebraska football shit I see at the games. You people couldn’t spell “Andre Almeida” if I spotted you a pitcher of heavy cream.

[3] Illinois Fighting Illini

As I discussed with Thumpasaurus just the other day, it pains me to see Illinois doing so well — not just because they are a terrible school with terrible players and terrible fans — but because…damn, I’m jealous of the roster.

Bill Carmody and Ivan Vujic scouted Eastern Europe for YEARS and brought us wonders like Luka Mirkovic, Alex Olah, Ivan Peljusic, and Ivan Tolic…and we never got this payoff we so richly deserved.

They’d be higher if they weren’t Illinois.

[3] Michigan State Spartans

Yuck. Time for a new champion, thanks.

[2] Purdue Boilermakers

Ew ew ew ew ew no, never mind, bring back Sparty, god knows the world doesn’t need this fanbase with as big a chest as their mascot’s.

[1] Michigan Wolverines

lmao get serious

I HAVE MADE MY DECISIONS! IN REVERSE ORDER:

T-16. Duke Blue Devils, Michigan State Spartans

14. UConn Huskies

13. Michigan State Spartans

12. Purdue Boilermakers

11. Arizona Wildcats

T-10. Iowa Hawkeyes, Illinois Fighting Illini, Texas Longhorns, Tennessee Volunteers, Arkansas Razorbacks, Alabama Crimson Tide

4. Nebraska Cornhuskers

3. Iowa State Cyclones

2. St. John’s Red Storm

1. Houston Cougars

Have a pleasant Monday.

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