The Pentagon Pizza Report is an account on X (formerly known as Twitter) that has gained plenty of traction since its inception in 2024.
Its premise relates to the Pentagon Pizza Theory; any time the pizzerias around the Arlington County headquarters of the United States Department of Defense see a significant uptick in activity, it’s because officials are working late ahead of a potentially seismic event.
A record 21 pizzas were ordered from a nearby Dominos the night before the start of the Gulf War. A similar surge occurred prior to Bill Clinton’s impeachment hearing in December 1998. Now, whenever these local eateries see a rise in queues and orders, an update is posted. Something might be about to happen, and it probably won’t be good.
Similarly, you could look solely at the traffic numbers of online streams whenever Kent are batting and figure out which parts pertain to Zak Crawley.
The spike when the opener comes to the crease. The bigger one soon after he has been dismissed to scroll back to the latest misstep. The drop-off when he’s gone.
At a time when his England spot is up for grabs, Crawley’s failures are probably garnering as many views and lines in the chat as those building their cases to take his Test opener spot.
The metric on unique views per balls faced would make interesting reading. Crawley may pip the likes of James Rew and Emilio Gay for the “most watched” opening candidate on the domestic circuit. In his current form, each innings is another chance to rubberneck on the man likely to be the sole change after the ECB opted for the status quo following a humbling winter’s Ashes.
Crawley’s exploits on day one of this Canterbury meeting with Derbyshire was another. He made 44, littered with nice-looking drives against a sharp attack, his highest score across seven innings, bumping his average up to 23.14. The dismissal? Probably the worst so far: playing all around a straight one from Martin Andersson. Crawley’s wait for a first-class century sneaks into its 14th match since a relatively easy 124 against Zimbabwe last May.
It speaks to where Crawley’s at that even his own “Pizza Report” account – “What is Zak Crawley doing?” – had not shared this latest dismissal, with the back hip coming through, leaving him square on when the stumps were rattled. A technical issue that has been noticed by smarter observers but not fully addressed.
That account has gone through the emotional ringer with Crawley, who while not on social media did used to get the odd positive post from it sent through by his mother. There have not been many of those for some time.
Wired in or not, this is has undoubtedly been a tough period for Crawley to endure. Perhaps, though, the silver-lining is he is in a county dressing room that have also been hammered for a start to the season that sees them bottom of Division Two. Because not only can his team-mates identify with what he is going through, but the club’s management have stepped in to insulate them from it.
On Thursday evening, Adam Hollioake’s pre-match “Setting The Field” column on Kent’s website revealed the club were now disabling the comments on their social media posts. “As a head coach, I first and foremost have a duty of care to my players,” explained Hollioake.
The move came in the aftermath of what Kent felt was disproportionate criticism after their innings defeat inside three days to Worcestershire. It was their first loss of the season, but followed two unconvincing draws with Durham and Northamptonshire.
Hollioake, director of cricket Simon Cook and captain Daniel Bell-Drummond were part of that decision, seen as a necessary move to cut out the outside noise. And it will be of some mercy to all three that Friday saw Kent’s best day of the season so far.
Bell-Drummond’s dominant 129 – 24 boundaries, including a maverick uppercut six off Zak Chappell – felt a real healer, providing the guts of Kent’s 352. It was their highest total so far after a run of being bowled out for less than 250 on four occasions. It also provided them with their first three batting points of the season.
Each was cheered by the 1200 in attendance at the St Lawrence County Ground, but none more so than the first 250, as Bell-Drummond tucked to midwicket. That came a delivery after he had ticked over to 100 from 110 deliveries, greeted by a vigorous punch of the air from Hollioake, standing amongst his team on the home dressing room.
Bell-Drummond’s reaction to the arrival of a 21st hundred in first-class cricket was far more subdued. At stumps, he acknowledged that a first score above 37 in seven attempts, having begun the season with a duck, compounded the tough start his team had endured.
“There’s been a few things building up,” he said. “The coach and the leadership wanted us to really be narrow-minded and focus on what matters, which is playing cricket.
“We’ve obviously lost just once, but we’ve been completely second-best in some of the draws we’ve had.
“I’ve got a few starts this season but I haven’t been able to kick on. And you know what – the wicket helped me do that.
“It was a good wicket to score on but every over, every second over, it felt there was a good ball in there. There were periods, on 30 and in the 60s, I was like ‘you’re in now, don’t get out!’ But actually, after the next couple of plays and misses, I was like, ‘I have to to put the pressure back on the bowlers’.
“Of course it felt cathartic… I just about know what that means!”
It was instructive that the members’ forum Cook and chief executive Michael Wilshaw held at lunch was not as tetchy as expected. Perhaps there is a generational element to it, but the prevailing sentiment was that ignoring social media, whether for the time being or in perpetuity, is the right move.
Everything feels a little better when the cricket is going well. It is worth noting this pitch is set to flatten out, which is precisely why Wayne Madsen opted to bowl first upon winning the toss. Kent will know all too well that good things today do not guarantee more of the same tomorrow.
“It’s May 1 today,” Bell-Drummond said. “There’s a lot of cricket to be played and I have a lot of faith in this team that we’ll get things right.”
